Sunday, September 5, 2010

Faces of Loss

We are out of town for the long weekend staying at my Parent's house. The kids always have such a good time and I like to just chill and not have to worry about anything. Our family is noisy and crazy and we eat a ton. Probably not a good thing, but hey, that's how we roll. So anyhoo, today I was just chillin here with my boys while Emma was gone w/ Grandma and Grandpa and I was just clicking around on the net. Somehow I ended up at City Mommy which is a website that I have never been to and I am really NOT sure how I ended up there. But nevertheless, I was there and I saw a Headline that caught my eye about pregnancy loss and I clicked on it and ended up on a site called Faces of Loss.

Faces of Loss is a website dedicated to all of the Mom's who have experienced some sort of pregnancy loss. It's hard to believe that so many families experience this loss every single year. As I was thumbing through the site, reading all of the stories, I realize that I am one of those Faces of Loss.

We weren't planning on getting pregnant when I did, it was definitely a surprise. It was a roller coaster of emotions but eventually I decided I was happy!  And then I got the call. The call that I was having a tubal pregnancy. Everything went so fast.  The next morning I was in the hospital being prepped for surgery. I will never forget that day. As I was waiting for the Surgeon to come get me from the room, I heard the ultrasound tech come in and talk to the nurse. My Doctor popped in and says, "Good news! The pregnancy isn't a tubal after all. You can go home!" WHAT?! First I was shocked about being pregnant. Then I was happy. Then I had the rug pulled out from under me and was told it was a tubal. And NOW, you are coming in and telling me that you were wrong and everything is ok after all?! Wow. So we left the hospital in a daze, still wondering what the heck had just happened. I was STARVING because I had been told to fast for the surgery so hubby and I went to eat. And then from there, everything was fine! I ewnt to appointment after appointment and everything was great!  We were able to hear the heartbeat and I had an ultrasound and everything was progressing normal! We were ecstatic to be adding another little one to our family!

Then it was time for VACATION!!  We packed all 3 kids up and headed to a family vacation in South Carolina! We stayed on Edisto island and it was the most amazing vacation. We had so much fun together on the beach and sightseeing. It was truly one of the best trips of my life!  A few days in, things started unraveling. First, I had started spotting. I had never had that in any prior pregnancies so I was scared. And then, I had a bad reaction to sunblock. It was the craziest thing but my back turned into thousands of tiny bubbles that itched and burnt worst than any pain I have ever experienced. I had to stand in a cold shower to get it to stop. I remember laying on my stomach on the bed kicking and screaming because it was so awful. I called my Doctor from vacation. I was 13 weeks along at that point. He told me everything was fine and just to come in when we got home. So that's what I did. A week later, I walked into the Doctors office. They explained that spotting was normal and I was fine. And then it all changed.

No heartbeat with the doppler. Need to have an ultrasound. I went into the ultrasound room and I knew something wasn't right. There was no little thumping where the heartbeat should be. There was just this small, still, lifeless mass in my uterus. No heartbeat. Pregnancy loss. D&C. I can hardly recall all of the things the Doctor was saying. It was a blur. They sent me out into the waiting room. I was crying. The nurse came out and sent me back into the room while they set up the surgery. I was alone. And never could I have imagined all of the feelings I had. I had known a lot of people who had experienced miscarriages and even stillborns but I never realized the pain that came with that loss. How could someone love and care about someone that they had never even met?!  And yet the pain that I felt was unfathomable. I remember going home and curling up to my husband and telling him. I was crying. Sobbing. I cried the entire day and all through the night. The next day I had surgery. I remember waiting to go back into the surgery room and having to sign papers giving the hospital pemission to dispose of my baby. I cried all the way up until I went into the surgery room. I remember looking up at the sympathetic nurse and telling her I was scared. Someone came in and said they were going to help me relax and that's all I remember. When I woke up, it was all over with. I was able to start healing. To start feeling better again. I would see babies and it would make me cry. I would hear other friends talk about their pregnancies progressing and I would feel sad. But I got over it. I had great friends and family who knew I just needed space and time. I didn't want anybody asking me how I was. I didn't want anybody telling me they knew how I felt. I just wanted to be left alone to heal. And I did.

Today, I am looking at Aiden and realizing that if I had not had that miscarriage, he wouldn't be here. I am looking at him smiling sweetly at me and I cannot imagine my life without him. As hard as that was to go through, I might be the face of a 2nd trimester pregnancy loss, but I am also the face of a Mommy of 4 beautiful, healthy children. I cannot imagine my life without these 4 kids. Sometimes I wonder how different our life would be now if I had not had that miscarriage but I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.  I am blessed, beyond measure and through that loss, I have learned to be thankful for what I have been given because you never know when it can be taken from you.

4 comments:

alissa4illustration said...

Oh you made me cry.

My sister got pregnant at the age of 15. We hid it from just about everyone. Her baby was a trisome 18 baby. This is something that my mom, and her both carry. It skipped me somehow. My mom had a baby before us that was a trisome 18 baby as well that only lived 2 weeks. They are born without their 18th chromosome. My sister didn't tell us she was pregnant, until a doctor told my mom. My mom was worried about her because she was gaining weight fast. Never did it cross her mind that her 15 year old could be pregnant. I called from college, and found out the news over the phone. Then found out that her baby would be born, but wouldn't live. I went home during a college break, watched my sister give birth, then 12 hours later he died. It was the first time I saw someone born, and the first time I saw someone die. Then we had a funeral. Then I went back to school. It was so hard! She ended up marrying the same guy. They have two kids my kid's age. But with each pregnancy I worried about another trisome baby. I feared her's would die and mine would live. She still wants another one. I'm fearful. Her oldest child carries the gene to pass it on.

I actually had problems with my two son's more then my sister. One with a staph infection that could of cut off his air way, and another with meningitis. I'm so glad I now have two healthy boys! Whenever they drive me nuts, I stop and think about the fact that we are lucky they are healthy.

Misty said...

So sorry to hear about this Sarah. What I would like to think about miscarried and stillborn babies is that their souls were so precious - so wonderful, God could not stand for them to be so far from him. And I think to carry such a baby is a grand honor from our Lord, (although it certainly does not feel that way at the time) God trusted you with that little angel for the time it was away. You will know that baby one day, remember God's promise!

Aria82 said...

I'm a new reader to your blog and this post caught my eye. I'm sorry to hear about it but I'm just like you, look at the silver lining and so happy that you have your baby boy now! You are blessed!

It wasn't until my sister in law who is due in December, started having complications that you even think about the things that can go wrong with pregnancy. I was blessed with two unplanned pregnancies that gave me two beautiful healthy children. Last month the doctor saw something on the ultrasound for my SIL and actually had the audacity to ask if she wanted an abortion!!! We were all shocked by that!!! But we prayed up and thankfully, all the tests have come out fine and we're expecting a new baby boy soon to our family!

Thank you for posting and I send out a prayer for any mommy who has had to deal with loss.

http://aria82.blogspot.com

dannyscotland said...

This just makes me cry. I'm so sorry that you, and anyone else, had to and have to go through this. I simply can't imagine how strong you have to be to make it through something like this. My best to you and your family.

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